Firstly, I'm in my late twenties. TWENTIES. I am not a cougar. I am not old enough to be a cougar, and even if I was, I'm telling you, I would NOT be luring in the jackassian fuckwits in my current dating pool. I'd be going for a sixty-year-old richer-than-God doctor so I could soothe lack of physical attraction with a man too old to be unfaithful, and hefty portions of cash.
So why is it that I went to a house party last night and was suddenly accosted by an 18-year-old child who was so lavish in his attentions, my best friend gave me a look and said, "Rawr"? And he's not the only one. Last summer a 17-year-old senior in highschool decided he was in love with me, followed by a 16-year-old (an effervescent baby! my god!), followed by a variety of similarly-aged not-quite-manchildren who decided to offer themselves up as my very own Ashton Kutcher, 20 Years Earlier.
Let's reflect on that 16-year-old. I was in a musical with him, and he was exactly six inches shorter than me and half my body weight (his CALVES were the SIZE of my ARMS.) Although every pretty, perky teenage girl was in love with him, he chose me. For a solid month he followed me around the dressing room and appeared at key moments backstage, having donned a diminutive wifebeater, one arm leaning against the wall, whispering seductive things as I passed by like, "Gorgeous maturity", "Amazonian goddess", and "My own Meryl Streep". I felt like an involuntary pedophile.
One 17-year-old came to me with a sad story: he was going to college, and he had never kissed an Older Mature Woman. Would I please just give him one kiss so that he might have a story with which to impress all his college friends? So I took him into a utility closet and gave him a peck on the lips. He shivered in excitement, and when we exited the closet, went down to one knee and shouted "Yasss!!"
I didn't hear from him again until spring break, when he came home (to his mommy's house) and sent an influx of Facebook messages saying he just knew an Older Mature Woman could show him a thing or two about sex, and would I be interested in hooking up?
" I a m t w e n t y - s e v e n. Y o u a r e f i v e . "
He turned away and offered to at least mow my lawn in exchange for alcohol.
When we left the party, my gay best friend told me the story of his mother and stepfather, who met when she was 30 and he was 18. The stepfather is 45 now and they're still together. They have two children, and he's been faithful the entire time. When asked if he wished he'd found someone younger or spent more time exploring outside the confines of a relationship, he gives a resounding no. He says he knew what he wanted, and when he saw her, she was it.
This was all so romantic I nearly turned right around and told the boy to screw adolescence, I'd give him a chance to take me out. He actually seemed like the best guy I've met in a long time, he makes more than three of my ex-boyfriends, and DAMN that boy has MUSCLES. Mmmm. I mean, guys my age go after much younger, hotter girls all the time, why can't I?
Two words: Mothering Instincts. I'd want to feed him things and send him off to school with lunchables and little notes in his pockets about being mindful of his upbringing.
