Confession Thursdays.
I'm not Catholic. But every Thursday, I'm going to write anything and everything that's on my mind, using no filter. See, normally I think most of us have a filter, which publicly is part of our politeness, but privately gets in the way of things just pouring out and being cleansed, colonic-style, from our brains. Some of us like to write, and some of us like to talk, but all people need a way to get it out there, lest we bottle it all up and implode from the inside out. For me, I'm naturally more the quiet sort, and I attract friends who like to talk so much I usually don't have the opportunity to get my own thoughts out there, so my release is writing.
It becomes funny when particularly verbose friends, who never hear me talk, stumble on some of my writing and realize I'm actually a proverbial chatterbox with an opinion on everything. To them I say, at least I'm not a yapper.
That aside, my first confession:
Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. This marks the fourth man I've broken up with in the space of 10 months. See, there was the husband of five years who I decided to divorce (he was cheating), then there was the realllllllly good looking guy who helped me get my mind off the cheating husband (only he was cheating too), then there was the sort-of good looking guy who was supposed to help me get my mind off the cheaters (only he was totally self-obsessed so it didn't work.)
When I had that third break up and found myself suddenly alone for the first time in my entire 20's, I felt like this:
Yep. I felt like a tiny, tiny kitten who fell into a lake and now had huge traumatized eyes and just needed a large human hand to hold it and make it purr again.
So I waited exactly one day post-break up with Guy #3, and then met up with a guy I'd been texting from a dating website. I knew instantly that he was the opposite of everything I wanted, but we got along extremely well. We hung out occasionally, then I went to the West Coast for awhile, and when I got back he was the first person I wanted to see, and after that we never left each other's side. He was my Large Human Hand, and I was his Kitten. I think the thing that catapulted us into the relationship was that we just got along so damn well, and we were so damn lonely. We weren't even that attracted to each other at first, although the attraction grew on my end, simply due to an extraordinary amount of time spent looking at his face, mesmerized that a human male was being kind to me. Our desires, beliefs, and ways of life were 100% polar opposite of each other, so we knew it probably wasn't going to work, but the loneliness propelled us into trying it anyway.
And then I found out that, like with my ex husband, and the two exes after that, his kindness was all verbal and his actions were really quite cruel. He lied a lot about stuff that was really important to me, like giving up other girls and dating just me. I tried to forgive him, but he lied more, and then it all fell to hell.
Here's my confession. I miss him. I've known him for only seven months, been positive we would have to break up for four, and I've had to make out with three men, one woman, develop a fleeting crush on a small military man and go drunk-dancing countless times with my gay best friend to get him out of my head, and it still hasn't worked. He's lodged firmly there. It's like I ate waaaaay too much dairy for the past few months and now it's all conglomerated together and is sitting there, rotting, putting up little flags on the walls of my intestines and declaring the land conquered.
At least for that there's laxatives. Women need a Man-Laxative. A Maxative, if you will. Something that, once the initial pleasure is over, and he starts to sit there and rot us from the inside out, we can take to speed up the elimination process. Can someone get on this? Do you have any idea how RICH you'd be?!
